I've been going through this recently, it's a large part of why I haven't posted anything to this blog in over a month. In order to do this, I find that I needed to focus on the really basic things:
Do I want to save this relationship?
What do I actually want out of the relationship?
What do I expect from this person?
What does person I'm having this relationship with want and expect?
Do we want the same things?
Do I have the time and space and availability in my life to actually have this relationship?
Do they?
Can we both be happy in this relationship?
What are my realistic needs?
What are theirs?
What are the things I will not compromise on?
What are the things I feel able to compromise about?
What are their hard limits and compromise positions?
What other things affect this relationship?
What other things are affected by this relationship?
(as with any list of questions, given enough time I could continue adding more and more to this list.)
The rebuilding process is slow, mending broken trust is the hardest thing for me. I am not known for my expanses of forgiveness or patience. It's difficult to be open to the possibility that what happened this time does not have to be the way that things play out in the future, even when I believe that to be true.
And so my partner and I are slowly trying to fix things, this process includes taking responsibility for our actions and their repercussions, lots of talking, brutal honesty, explaining and clarifying until we both understand, and a sharp focus on self awareness. I have to work on my personal issues, and process my feelings about what has happened and how to feel safe going forward and make changes to my behaviors and expectations accordingly. My partner has to do the same. It takes a lot of time and energy and focus to do this. We have to accept that we didn't handle things well and figure out how we could have done them differently, and then we need to commit to doing things better next time.
While all of this is happening, the digging through the past and building for the future, we are also working on sharing things that make us happy today. Appreciating the love and excitement and pleasure we are able to have in this moment. Enjoying what we have that is good, and beautiful and worthwhile. Savoring the good things in our relationship right now.
Unexploding isn't anything like rewinding and going back to how things were before. Unexploding is more like taking a box of broken pieces, sorting through them to figure out what is valued and usable and wanted and what should be discarded, and then assembling a mosaic that fills you with joy and wonder every time you look at it.
Do I want to save this relationship?
What do I actually want out of the relationship?
What do I expect from this person?
What does person I'm having this relationship with want and expect?
Do we want the same things?
Do I have the time and space and availability in my life to actually have this relationship?
Do they?
Can we both be happy in this relationship?
What are my realistic needs?
What are theirs?
What are the things I will not compromise on?
What are the things I feel able to compromise about?
What are their hard limits and compromise positions?
What other things affect this relationship?
What other things are affected by this relationship?
(as with any list of questions, given enough time I could continue adding more and more to this list.)
The rebuilding process is slow, mending broken trust is the hardest thing for me. I am not known for my expanses of forgiveness or patience. It's difficult to be open to the possibility that what happened this time does not have to be the way that things play out in the future, even when I believe that to be true.
And so my partner and I are slowly trying to fix things, this process includes taking responsibility for our actions and their repercussions, lots of talking, brutal honesty, explaining and clarifying until we both understand, and a sharp focus on self awareness. I have to work on my personal issues, and process my feelings about what has happened and how to feel safe going forward and make changes to my behaviors and expectations accordingly. My partner has to do the same. It takes a lot of time and energy and focus to do this. We have to accept that we didn't handle things well and figure out how we could have done them differently, and then we need to commit to doing things better next time.
While all of this is happening, the digging through the past and building for the future, we are also working on sharing things that make us happy today. Appreciating the love and excitement and pleasure we are able to have in this moment. Enjoying what we have that is good, and beautiful and worthwhile. Savoring the good things in our relationship right now.
Unexploding isn't anything like rewinding and going back to how things were before. Unexploding is more like taking a box of broken pieces, sorting through them to figure out what is valued and usable and wanted and what should be discarded, and then assembling a mosaic that fills you with joy and wonder every time you look at it.
