First things first, I want to make sure that I state clearly from the beginning of this that I greatly (GREATLY) dislike even just the idea of hierarchical relationships. Personal experience has introduced me to people who have structured their hierarchical relationships in ways that I find unethical and downright distasteful. My experience has led me to the believe that strict hierarchies simply will not work for me in any position. Anyone who thinks they can force a structure on my emotional relationships by giving them a title like "primary" or "secondary" is not someone I want to be involved with. Anyone who expects a relationship to be prioritized by start date should probably steer clear of me. And anyone who thinks they get to tell me what I am and where I will fit, will not fit in my life at all.
So, with all of that said, I am no expert on hierarchy and it would likely be smart of anyone to take the following with a grain of salt and be sure to get perspectives from people with experience in long term hierarchical poly relationships (long term meaning more than two people have been involved in that structure for years, not "the two of us" have been doing this for X years, its a shame that none of our other partners have stayed with us). I don't believe I have any such resources to point you to.
I'm believe that hierarchical relationships are inherently problematic. I also think that getting involved in hierarchical relationships is a choice. All relationships are choices, and how you choose to structure your relationships is strictly between you and your partners. I do think there are lots of unhealthy and unethical behaviors that are much more common in relationships that are structured to be hierarchical, and people who choose to get involved in hierarchical poly relationships are likely to have more issues and will need to be extra careful.
If you're choosing to have a hierarchical relationship you should really have investigated this idea and broken down what it means to you (and your partners if you have any currently) and be able to explain up-front what that means, how you expect that to work, and what your existing agreements are to any new person that you may become involved with. Just because you (and your "primary" partner) think you understand what you are expecting doesn't mean you can actually verbalize or explain it. If you think that just saying "My primary will always come first" is sufficient, you need to work on your communication skills. To me that sort of statement is not an explanation, it's sad convenient poly-speak and indicative of lazy communication.
I'm believe that hierarchical relationships are inherently problematic. I also think that getting involved in hierarchical relationships is a choice. All relationships are choices, and how you choose to structure your relationships is strictly between you and your partners. I do think there are lots of unhealthy and unethical behaviors that are much more common in relationships that are structured to be hierarchical, and people who choose to get involved in hierarchical poly relationships are likely to have more issues and will need to be extra careful.
If you're choosing to have a hierarchical relationship you should really have investigated this idea and broken down what it means to you (and your partners if you have any currently) and be able to explain up-front what that means, how you expect that to work, and what your existing agreements are to any new person that you may become involved with. Just because you (and your "primary" partner) think you understand what you are expecting doesn't mean you can actually verbalize or explain it. If you think that just saying "My primary will always come first" is sufficient, you need to work on your communication skills. To me that sort of statement is not an explanation, it's sad convenient poly-speak and indicative of lazy communication.
Plus, if you have never actually discussed the structure and mechanics of your expected hierarchical "primary relationship" with your "primary" partner, there is a painfully high likelihood that the two of you have expectations that are out of alignment (sometimes they aren't even in the same hemisphere).
I have had so many experiences with people who think that they have discussed how things will work in advance, only to find they created one single ideal hypothetical scenario and discussed how they think they will react to it. The problem with these hypotheticals is that when real life comes down it almost never matches that scenario. Remember the hypothetical "new partner" will be a real person with feelings and and wants and needs and history and opinions, they will not fit neatly into the cookie cutter space laid out for them.
If you have bought into ideas about the virtues of hierarchical relationships, but you haven't ever considered what your position on hierarchy means and how it could and/or would not work... then perhaps you weren't paying attention. People who think that they can just overlay polyamory on top of their societal default expectations of normative monogamous relationships and everything will be hunky-dory and easy as pie, are going to hurt a lot of people, possibly including themselves.
Please, take some time to think about what you are looking for in poly relationships, and if you have existing partners make sure you are discussing all of the options, ideas and plans for your poly lives with them. Think, and ask yourself (and your partners) some tough questions, and then be prepared to be forthcoming with information about the structure, expectations, and limits you define for your hierarchy at the forefront of conversations with any potential new partner/playmate/paramour. No one should be expected to accept "secondary" status without being given clear understanding about the demands and limits they will be expected to live under, because no one enjoys slamming their head, or their heart, against a glass ceiling.
Here are some questions you might want to start considering if you think that what you really want is a hierarchical poly relationship structure. This is not a comprehensive list, its just a beginning, and I would expect there to be lots of processing and discussion coming out of the answers to these questions. Also, be aware that whatever you do discuss is likely to change over time and with experience and with the input of any prospective or new partners, so you will want to have these conversations over again periodically. (Also, some of these questions are not specific to hierarchies and it wouldn't hurt for everyone who wants to be in poly relationships to consider them):
Are you and your "primary" going to have other relationships individually?
I have had so many experiences with people who think that they have discussed how things will work in advance, only to find they created one single ideal hypothetical scenario and discussed how they think they will react to it. The problem with these hypotheticals is that when real life comes down it almost never matches that scenario. Remember the hypothetical "new partner" will be a real person with feelings and and wants and needs and history and opinions, they will not fit neatly into the cookie cutter space laid out for them.
If you have bought into ideas about the virtues of hierarchical relationships, but you haven't ever considered what your position on hierarchy means and how it could and/or would not work... then perhaps you weren't paying attention. People who think that they can just overlay polyamory on top of their societal default expectations of normative monogamous relationships and everything will be hunky-dory and easy as pie, are going to hurt a lot of people, possibly including themselves.
Please, take some time to think about what you are looking for in poly relationships, and if you have existing partners make sure you are discussing all of the options, ideas and plans for your poly lives with them. Think, and ask yourself (and your partners) some tough questions, and then be prepared to be forthcoming with information about the structure, expectations, and limits you define for your hierarchy at the forefront of conversations with any potential new partner/playmate/paramour. No one should be expected to accept "secondary" status without being given clear understanding about the demands and limits they will be expected to live under, because no one enjoys slamming their head, or their heart, against a glass ceiling.
Here are some questions you might want to start considering if you think that what you really want is a hierarchical poly relationship structure. This is not a comprehensive list, its just a beginning, and I would expect there to be lots of processing and discussion coming out of the answers to these questions. Also, be aware that whatever you do discuss is likely to change over time and with experience and with the input of any prospective or new partners, so you will want to have these conversations over again periodically. (Also, some of these questions are not specific to hierarchies and it wouldn't hurt for everyone who wants to be in poly relationships to consider them):
What sort of relationship(s) is a "primary" relationship?
How is that different than a "secondary" relationship?
How is that different than a "secondary" relationship?
If you are (or plan to be married), how do you envision new partners fitting into your existing life?
Are you expecting to prevent new relationships from changing your "primary" relationship and how?
Are you expecting to prevent new relationships from changing your "primary" relationship and how?
How are you planning to keep your "secondary" relationships at the agreed upon limit of emotional investment and connection?
Are you expecting that you and your "primary" are only going to date people together?
Are you expecting to have a closed poly-fidelity relationship where the three (or more) of you are only involved with each other?
If that is the case, why would you expect anyone to want to be in an exclusive relationship with the two of you while always being treated as a lesser partner?
Are you expecting to have a closed poly-fidelity relationship where the three (or more) of you are only involved with each other?
If that is the case, why would you expect anyone to want to be in an exclusive relationship with the two of you while always being treated as a lesser partner?
Are you and your "primary" going to have other relationships individually?
Are you expecting to date only people who are currently in a "primary" type of relationship with someone else?
If so, what happens if their primary relationship ends for whatever reason?
Time is a limited commodity, how do you expect to divide your time?
Are you going to have a set maximum of time allowed to spend with other partners?
If so, what are those limits?
Are these limits per day, per week, per month?
Are your time limits per partner or a total divided among all of your non-primary partners?
How will you handle things like scheduling time with various partners?
Will there be a limit to how long relationships with your non-primary partners are allowed to continue (6 months, a year, 2)?
Are you going to have a set maximum of time allowed to spend with other partners?
If so, what are those limits?
Are these limits per day, per week, per month?
Are your time limits per partner or a total divided among all of your non-primary partners?
How will you handle things like scheduling time with various partners?
Will there be a limit to how long relationships with your non-primary partners are allowed to continue (6 months, a year, 2)?
What do you do if your partners can't get along?
Will you and your "primary" have veto power over each others relationships?
Is there a time frame for invoking this veto?
Is there a requirement to have a reason for or discussion prior to invoking veto power?
I'm pretty sure I could add more than a dozen questions to this list, but since I have no interest in structuring this sort of relationship, or getting involved with someone who has, I'm going to leave it up to the hierarchy people to figure the rest of it out.
Beware and good luck.
Is there a time frame for invoking this veto?
Is there a requirement to have a reason for or discussion prior to invoking veto power?
I'm pretty sure I could add more than a dozen questions to this list, but since I have no interest in structuring this sort of relationship, or getting involved with someone who has, I'm going to leave it up to the hierarchy people to figure the rest of it out.
Beware and good luck.
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