Poly really is not about "expanding your relationship"

After years of reading books, blogs, and articles, listening to podcasts, being involved in discussion groups, and basically living this life... I have to say that I think the concept of "expanding our relationship" or "opening up" is complete mono-normative bullshit.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, polyamory means having more relationships with other people. No one is being added to an existing relationship (even if you're desperately looking for the fabled bisexual fidelitus 'unicorn' triad), what you're doing is creating new relationships with another person.

Relationships are interactions and connections between people, no one has a relationship with an existing relationship. It is possible to develop a relationship amongst multiple people, or for someone to develop multiple relationships with people who have relationships to each other.  But, whatever the connections are, the existing relationship is still there and between those same people, what is new is each of their relationships with another person (or each of their relationships to other people if they are not in a relationship with the same person) and possibly an additional inter-relationship as a group (because group dynamics are very different than the one on one dynamics of the people involved).  

People who want to play "poly by monogamy rules" inevitably treat their relationships outside of "the one" poorly, sometimes outright abusively. If you have multiple partners, and are only honest, forthcoming, and truthful with one of them, what kind of jerk are you to your other (most likely in your mind "lesser") partners?  If all of your rules were set in advance with only one person, where is the true consent and participation in your relationships with other partners?

It's true, some people may buy into being "secondary" partners, and accept all of the previously-negotiated-with-only-one-person rules in advance. They will likely try very hard to be OK with rules being imposed on them from outside their actual relationship. In the end, the fact that a person outside the actual relationship has control or discretion over the mechanics and actions within the relationship will cause a breakdown in the relationships (and it unsurprisingly may not go the way you hoped when you created all the rules to "protect the existing relationship").  To break it down a little simpler, if your new partners have no say in their relationship with you but your existing/other partner does, hurt and pain is coming.

I realize, that a lot of people choose to be assholes in this life, and therefore have no problem with treating people they profess to love and care for this way. Outside of removing people like that from the gene pool, what the rest of us can do is:

1) Try very hard to teach them how to treat people well, and as real human beings instead of fantasy/wish/unmet-need fullfillment objects.

2) Convince the people in relationships with this sort of person that they are valuable and deserve partners that actually treat them as partners, that they can have ability to participate in the structure of their relationships (all of their relationships, not just one.)

3) Stop, simply stop accepting the mono-normative/couple privileged bullshit that these people spout. I don't care if they set themselves up to be 'poly experts' or claim years/decades of poly experience, if they've published a book, written a blog, or woke up yesterday with an epiphany about the only way for multiple relationships to "work", if they cling to the only possible starting place for functional polyamory being "protect our existing relationship from any change" make sure to lock the door after tossing them out on their rear.

If someone is deathly afraid of change, they aren't really capable of trying a different way to have relationships. If they must have the illusion of monogamy at all times, they aren't ready for polyamory. If all they really want is exactly what they have exactly the way they have it, and perhaps a little something on the side... tell them to piss on their own side of the fence.

I'm not saying that having strong loving existing relationships prevents people from being polyamorous, or treating other partners well. It's possible to do that, what's not possible is preventing any relationship from changing when new elements are added to the mix. There will be new facets to your existing relationships, some awesome and some painful, based on how you change from your experiences and interactions with other people. New people are not part of your relationship but they will change it, often in ways you haven't expected. 

Poly is a way that we as people, as human beings, have relationships. It is   something that people do, not couples/relationships do.  Existing relationships consist of multiple people, each of them has to choose for themselves to have polyamorous relationships. 

Poly is not… I repeat: POLY IS NOT something your existing relationship does, it's not about "couples".

Relationship Anarchy...or just being an Asshole!

There are lots of labels that people use to define themselves and their relationship styles. This is both good and bad. Its good that we have terminology that is viable for communicating these things, but it can be bad when people use terminology outside of the common understanding.  A prime example of this is people who claim to be polyamorous, but clearly are not having relationships that are consensual, ethical, and responsible. Just the same way I get frustrated with liars and cheaters claiming to be poly, I have some serious issues about people who claim to be Relationship Anarchists in order to justify being a complete and total Asshole.

Now, I don't claim to be an expert on anything... but I have done a fair amount of reading and been a part of several discussions with people who self-identify as Relationships Anarchists, so I think I'm getting a fair grasp of RA.  I have to say that the main tenants of RA do not support the "every man for himself" and "I don't have to follow through on my commitments or agreements, I'm FREE!!!" behavior that some people hiding under an RA umbrella claim its all about.

The term "Relationship Anarchy" was coined by Andie Nordgren, who wrote a very interesting manifesto about RA  (http://log.andie.se/post/26652940513/the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship). I know that not everyone who identifies as RA would necessarily agree with everything in this manifesto but as a starting place for discussion, I think its a great beginning.  I won't re-state everything in this manifesto or any of a number of other really great writings about Relationship Anarchy out there... you can go and read those things on your own.  What I am going to do is give you all a very condensed version of my understanding of RA:


Relationship Anarchy is a way of actively and intentionally engaging in relationships of all types, that does not proscribe any required content, priority, hierarchy or importance to a relationship simply due to societal expectations of what "that type" of relationship "should" be.


Lets cover some basics of what that means:

• Romantic/sexual relationships are not inherently of more importance or value than platonic relationships.

• The most important relationships in someones life are not required to be physically intimate. 

• People can choose how each of their relationships work, what sort of involvement they want, how important that relationship is to them, and when/how their relationships change.

• People are responsible for their own relationships, and they take responsibility for the commitments, agreements and promises they make.

So... if someone in your life is a relationship anarchist, talk to them about the content and direction of your relationship together.  If they consistently make agreements or commitments that they don't follow through on, they tell you things that are completely not supported by thier actions, or they are not consistent and honest about your relationship... the problem is not RA, they are just an Asshole.

Mine, Ours and Not Mine.

Mine...

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility. By this I mean at each person is responsible for themselves... their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and reactions are their own individual responsibility.  We are each responsible for the choices we make and the actions we take, and we are responsible for the repercussions of those actions.  I am responsible for my own health and well being and making sure that my needs are being addressed, I am responsible for my own emotional state and how I respond to it.  

By the same thread each of you are responsible for your own health and well being and making sure that your needs are being addressed, etc.

Ours...

In some relationships we develop shared responsibilities, by mutual agreement.  Our responsibilities include the time and effort to maintain that relationship, following through on any commitments within that relationship, and clear and honest communication within the relationship.  Shared responsibilities could include other things like co-parenting, shared property, or joint debts (though I am solo poly and currently my life does not include any of these things).

Not Mine...

What I am not responsible for are other people's actions and choices nor the repercussions of those things on their lives.  

I've come to a point in my life where I am simply unwilling to be thrust into the middle of someone else's mess, and so I find myself saying repeatedly "that has nothing to do with me".  

Don't get me wrong, I truly understand that meaningful relationships benefit greatly from sympathy and empathy. Being understanding and supportive of someone when they are struggling with the things that are happening in their lives is not the same thing as allowing them to place responsibility for their difficulties on me.  I put a lot of time and energy into the relationships I have with the people that are important in my life. I listen and when asked provide suggestions or my perspective on the situation. I even volunteer to help with things that are within my ability (and availability).  But I don't take on anyone else's troubles as my responsibility to solve.

I think it is especially important in polyamorous relationships to be aware of our personal responsibilities and to be honest about how our personal choices lead to the situations we find ourselves in.  It's easy to fall into faulty logic and play into a post hoc ergo propter hoc assumption, whereby someone will claim that these things happened after this poly relationship started therefore all of the things are caused by the poly relationship. It's completely ridiculous to think that polyamory is the cause of every issue in a polyamorous persons life. That would be like blaming my cats because I need to work for a living (if they had only been trained monkeys they could earn money to support me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed). Similarly, it is illogical to claim my doctor is responsible for my sprained ankle (if they had only mutated my genes the way I wanted them to I would have a super healing factor like Wolverine).  
Still, I've seen this happen to a lot of people, there are difficulties to deal with and somehow they decide that everything is due to their partners (or one of their partners' other relationships), as though house work, finances and child rearing wouldn't be a problem if only that relationship worked the way I want it to or this other relationship didn't exist.  

If my partners weren't poly then I wouldn't ever have to do housework, seriously?  My dislike of dusting and scrubbing floors stems from ancient personal dislike and doesn't have anything to do with any of my poly partners.

Difficulty dealing with ones teenage child stem directly from choosing to be a parent, they are not the responsibility of someone who is not parenting that child

If I don't feel like I'm getting enough time and attention from my partners, that is something that needs to be addressed by my partners and not to be blamed on people outside our relationships.

When I am unhappy, feeling strained or even dealing with the specter of jealousy, it is up to me to be reasonable enough to figure out what is going on with me and what is actually contributing to my issues.  I have to pull out the strands of what is happening and where it came from, I can't just wad everything up into a ball and toss it into someone else's basket.  I don't just decide that everything has gone horribly wrong because of my relationship style, or push off responsibility for the results of my actions and choices to some third party.  I make my choices and I deal with the consequences. I expect everyone else in my life to do the same, because I won't take your stuff on for you and I'm not afraid to tell you "that has nothing to do with me".

A vision of true equality

I firmly believe that all people should be treated equally, especially under the law. A part of that belief is that people should be treated as individuals by our government.  
I don’t think that the government should get to decide what marriage means, who can marry, or how they can marry. I am also of the opinion that government should not apply tax laws, or any other legal standing, based on marriage. All legal applications, including taxes, should be defined for a person as an individual, and not to a couple or group as a unit.
Marriage is a personal choice and/or religious sacrament and should not have anything to do with legal standing. People should be allowed to configure their own lives as they so choose, how ever that works best for them.  The question of legal determination when it comes to things like medical decisions, ownership of property, inheritance or even child custody should never be a question of marital status. Everyone should have the option to enter into legal agreements for partnership and to designate whom should have what legal powers in which situations, so that in the future there is no question. This would allow the individual to change those legal agreements and designations as their situations change.
That also means that there is no automatic default to a partner and everyone, be they single, monogamous, polyamorous or other, would need to consider and designate thier own preferences.