Relationship Anarchy...or just being an Asshole!

There are lots of labels that people use to define themselves and their relationship styles. This is both good and bad. Its good that we have terminology that is viable for communicating these things, but it can be bad when people use terminology outside of the common understanding.  A prime example of this is people who claim to be polyamorous, but clearly are not having relationships that are consensual, ethical, and responsible. Just the same way I get frustrated with liars and cheaters claiming to be poly, I have some serious issues about people who claim to be Relationship Anarchists in order to justify being a complete and total Asshole.

Now, I don't claim to be an expert on anything... but I have done a fair amount of reading and been a part of several discussions with people who self-identify as Relationships Anarchists, so I think I'm getting a fair grasp of RA.  I have to say that the main tenants of RA do not support the "every man for himself" and "I don't have to follow through on my commitments or agreements, I'm FREE!!!" behavior that some people hiding under an RA umbrella claim its all about.

The term "Relationship Anarchy" was coined by Andie Nordgren, who wrote a very interesting manifesto about RA  (http://log.andie.se/post/26652940513/the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship). I know that not everyone who identifies as RA would necessarily agree with everything in this manifesto but as a starting place for discussion, I think its a great beginning.  I won't re-state everything in this manifesto or any of a number of other really great writings about Relationship Anarchy out there... you can go and read those things on your own.  What I am going to do is give you all a very condensed version of my understanding of RA:


Relationship Anarchy is a way of actively and intentionally engaging in relationships of all types, that does not proscribe any required content, priority, hierarchy or importance to a relationship simply due to societal expectations of what "that type" of relationship "should" be.


Lets cover some basics of what that means:

• Romantic/sexual relationships are not inherently of more importance or value than platonic relationships.

• The most important relationships in someones life are not required to be physically intimate. 

• People can choose how each of their relationships work, what sort of involvement they want, how important that relationship is to them, and when/how their relationships change.

• People are responsible for their own relationships, and they take responsibility for the commitments, agreements and promises they make.

So... if someone in your life is a relationship anarchist, talk to them about the content and direction of your relationship together.  If they consistently make agreements or commitments that they don't follow through on, they tell you things that are completely not supported by thier actions, or they are not consistent and honest about your relationship... the problem is not RA, they are just an Asshole.