Who are we? We are the people who are living polyamorous lives and therefore we should definitely speak out against people who are doing something that is unconscionable and claiming its "polyamory". If someone is doing things that are abusive or harmful to others we should speak out against it. To shelter them under some "I'm OK, you're OK" notion is completely asinine.
I personally think that we need to be actively and vocally defining what polyamory is and is not, we need to have a definition that is clear enough and exclusive enough to help others understand what polyamory is and what it isn't. If you are going to identify as poly, then you should have a clear understanding of what that means. And if you are doing something that is not within those accepted definitions then you should be told directly and often that you are not practicing polyamory and those behaviors are not acceptable in our community.
What qualifies as non-ethical? Well the most commonly sited non-ethical behaviors include cheating, lying, coercion, abuse, and non-consensual behaviors.
If you are lying to or concealing information about your activities and/or relationships from your existing partner or any new/perspective date or partner, you are not polyamorous.
If you don't tell your spouse about dating or having sex with others, you are cheating, you are not polyamorous.
And if you don't happen to mention to someone that you have existing partners and/or you're married, you are lying, you are not polyamorous.
If you are using threats of withholding love, affection or sex to manipulate or coerce anyone you are involved with to do what you want, you are not polyamorous.
If you tell your current partner you have decided unilaterally that you will now have an open relationship and like it or not they better just deal with that or you will divorce or dump them, you are not polyamorous.
If you are doing things that affect someone else and not telling them about it, you are not allowing them to be able to give informed consent, you are not polyamorous.
If you are gathering people together and place yourself in the role of teacher or poly leader and you use your position of authority to fish for and manipulate people into having sex with you, you are abusing their trust, you are not polyamorous.
If you engage in any of a thousand and one scenarios that are unethical, irresponsible and/or non-consensual, you are not polyamorous, and I personally think that people should tell you that to your face whenever you claim that you are.
"Not non-monogamy"
The most obvious situation that is not "non-monogamy" is well... Monogamy.
If you have agreements or understandings with your partner that your romantic/sexual relationship is exclusive,or you've made a vow "forsaking all others keep yourself only unto" that one person, you have agreed to be monogamous.
If you have made those agreements and are still seeing/seeking other people for romantic/sexual relationships without the knowledge of your partner you're a liar and a cheat, you are not polyamorous. Any poly person would be reasonable to avoid you and make sure that the people they know in their poly communities (and anyone else) avoid you too.
Religious Polygamy...
Religion based polygyny (and in a few rare cases polyandry) is distinct from polyamory in that there are strict religious doctrines that only allow one gender to have multiple partners of the opposite gender. The most commonly seen religious polygamy forms in the western world are strictly one man and with multiple wives, and even discussion of a woman having multiple husbands is considered disgusting and sinful. Polygyny or polyandry may be consensual, but it is not accepting of partners choosing to have more than one intimate relationship. To me that puts it outside the boarders of polyamory.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell...
There are lots of people who claim to have an agreement with their existing partners where they are allowed to do whatever they want and see whomever they choose, so long as they never mention it or discuss it between the two them. This to me is questionable at best in a polyamorous context. If you never discuss whom you are involved with and what you are doing with your partner how can your partner give informed consent. DADT creates environments that facilitate manipulation, coercion and deceit. DADT scenarios lack the ability to be open about ones relationships, DADT partners remain extremely closeted to prevent accidental information getting back to other partners, and I have seen too many instances of people claiming DADT relationships when they are actually just cheating on their partners. Yet, there are people who claim to be happily in DADT situations, I am still dubious. In my mind Don't Ask, Don't Tell is distinct from poly in that it lacks the features of knowledge and consent.
(I will admit, I would not get involved with anyone claiming they have DADT agreements and I would caution anyone I know from doing so either, all of my experiences with DADT have ended in misery and tears.)
Swinging...
There is a fair amount of overlap in the swinger and polyamory communities, but these are still two distinct things. There are swingers who are definitely not poly, and poly people who are assuredly not swingers. In my experience, swinging is about finding partners to have sex with. The general connotation of swinging casual sexual partners, and not specifically about romantic or committed relationships.
I personally think that we need to be actively and vocally defining what polyamory is and is not, we need to have a definition that is clear enough and exclusive enough to help others understand what polyamory is and what it isn't. If you are going to identify as poly, then you should have a clear understanding of what that means. And if you are doing something that is not within those accepted definitions then you should be told directly and often that you are not practicing polyamory and those behaviors are not acceptable in our community.
So, what is Polyamory?
Well, according to Wikipedia Polyamory "is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved", and it is often described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy." I think that is a fairly good starting point... polyamorous relationships should hold to the standard of ethical and responsible non-monogamy with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.Some, examples of what is NOT Polyamory...
"Not ethical"What qualifies as non-ethical? Well the most commonly sited non-ethical behaviors include cheating, lying, coercion, abuse, and non-consensual behaviors.
If you are lying to or concealing information about your activities and/or relationships from your existing partner or any new/perspective date or partner, you are not polyamorous.
If you don't tell your spouse about dating or having sex with others, you are cheating, you are not polyamorous.
And if you don't happen to mention to someone that you have existing partners and/or you're married, you are lying, you are not polyamorous.
If you are using threats of withholding love, affection or sex to manipulate or coerce anyone you are involved with to do what you want, you are not polyamorous.
If you tell your current partner you have decided unilaterally that you will now have an open relationship and like it or not they better just deal with that or you will divorce or dump them, you are not polyamorous.
If you are doing things that affect someone else and not telling them about it, you are not allowing them to be able to give informed consent, you are not polyamorous.
If you are gathering people together and place yourself in the role of teacher or poly leader and you use your position of authority to fish for and manipulate people into having sex with you, you are abusing their trust, you are not polyamorous.
If you engage in any of a thousand and one scenarios that are unethical, irresponsible and/or non-consensual, you are not polyamorous, and I personally think that people should tell you that to your face whenever you claim that you are.
The most obvious situation that is not "non-monogamy" is well... Monogamy.
If you have agreements or understandings with your partner that your romantic/sexual relationship is exclusive,or you've made a vow "forsaking all others keep yourself only unto" that one person, you have agreed to be monogamous.
If you have made those agreements and are still seeing/seeking other people for romantic/sexual relationships without the knowledge of your partner you're a liar and a cheat, you are not polyamorous. Any poly person would be reasonable to avoid you and make sure that the people they know in their poly communities (and anyone else) avoid you too.
Things that that skirt the edges...
There are some activities that may sound like they fall within the framework of ethical and responsible non-monogamy with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, but are still rather distinct from polyamory. A few prime examples:Religious Polygamy...
Religion based polygyny (and in a few rare cases polyandry) is distinct from polyamory in that there are strict religious doctrines that only allow one gender to have multiple partners of the opposite gender. The most commonly seen religious polygamy forms in the western world are strictly one man and with multiple wives, and even discussion of a woman having multiple husbands is considered disgusting and sinful. Polygyny or polyandry may be consensual, but it is not accepting of partners choosing to have more than one intimate relationship. To me that puts it outside the boarders of polyamory.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell...
There are lots of people who claim to have an agreement with their existing partners where they are allowed to do whatever they want and see whomever they choose, so long as they never mention it or discuss it between the two them. This to me is questionable at best in a polyamorous context. If you never discuss whom you are involved with and what you are doing with your partner how can your partner give informed consent. DADT creates environments that facilitate manipulation, coercion and deceit. DADT scenarios lack the ability to be open about ones relationships, DADT partners remain extremely closeted to prevent accidental information getting back to other partners, and I have seen too many instances of people claiming DADT relationships when they are actually just cheating on their partners. Yet, there are people who claim to be happily in DADT situations, I am still dubious. In my mind Don't Ask, Don't Tell is distinct from poly in that it lacks the features of knowledge and consent.
(I will admit, I would not get involved with anyone claiming they have DADT agreements and I would caution anyone I know from doing so either, all of my experiences with DADT have ended in misery and tears.)
Swinging...
There is a fair amount of overlap in the swinger and polyamory communities, but these are still two distinct things. There are swingers who are definitely not poly, and poly people who are assuredly not swingers. In my experience, swinging is about finding partners to have sex with. The general connotation of swinging casual sexual partners, and not specifically about romantic or committed relationships.
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